bearing my soul

I always try to be the strong one. I have since I was little. I felt it was up to me to hold everything together. I give and give until I have nothing left. I always put everyone else before myself. In doing this, I've learned to keep my feelings, worries and fears to myself. I find myself wishing people could just read my mind, know what I'm feeling, and tell me it will all be ok.

Lately I've been feeling very envious of those around me. People are graduating with degrees, landing great jobs, and even buying homes. I've been feeling like a failure for a while. I made a bad decision to take some time off school to find a better one. That didn't happen. I ended up in an abusive relationship and it all went downhill from there. I want so badly to go back to school. I want to be a Pharmacy Tech. It wouldn't take me that long to do, but you need money and time to do that. Maybe one day.

The immediate future scares the crap out of me. Matt landed a great job. He's excited about it and looks forward to finishing his training and getting in the feild. When that happens we are looking at 60-70 hour weeks; 6-7 days. While this will ensure that we are financially secure (more than we have ever been) and makes it possible for me to stay at home, I realise that this basically means I will be "single" mom. With his old job, I was on my own 8 hours a day 5 days a week and thought that was hard. I won't have someone to lean on. Kudos to all you single moms who raise your own children AND have full time jobs. I don't know how you do it.

I've been wanting to ask or help so much lately. Everyone has jobs or they are busy. Some people just don't want to deal with the extra demands that come with taking care of my son. I am blessed to have three wonderful women that help when they can. My amazing, wonderful cousin Jennifer is my rock. She has been known to drop what she is doing and be there for me when I need her the most. She is who I aspire to be like. She has such a giving heart. I was also blessed to have met my friend Amy. She's my "been there, done that" advice giver. She has three amazing kiddos of her own. Although our children are vastly different she is always there t help me figure out the best way to do things. She has also been there through some of my hardest times. She is so understanding. She takes me for what I am. She pulled me out of my depression after my son was born. She's like the light at the end of my tunnel. If I'm having a bad day I'll give her a call. She always has some funny story about something her kids did or said and I forget all about why i was upset to begin with. She's also been key in helping me deal with my "disorder". I know God put her in my path to show me that I can do it. She's been living the life I'm headed for for a while now. She does it with such grace and patience. She wouldn't agree but she does. And then there is Sherri and her kids. What can I say. You are one f the few brave souls to keep my children so that I can have a quiet HOT dinner every once in a while. A million thank you's!!!

I miss my family. Plain and simple. I miss the holidays at my grandmas. I miss family reunions. I miss feeling like I belong where I am. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE my husband's family. They have brought me in as one of their own. I just wish she got to see each other more often. Sometimes I just feel alone. I miss "my people". Sometimes you just need a hug. It's been a while since I've had a hug.

That's all I have in me to write for now. Until later, adios.